New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
