I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
