The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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