1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
