I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
