Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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