dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
