GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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