I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
