If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
