I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
