i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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