Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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