We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
