Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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