I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
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