I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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