my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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