I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
