Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
