im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
