I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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