Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
