He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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