just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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