Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
