i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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