you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
