he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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