I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
