Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
