So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
