I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
false alarm. still invincible.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
