Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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