I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
