no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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