My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
