You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
