Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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