Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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