i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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