I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
