Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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