i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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