my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
