bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
