how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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