did you get engaged???
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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