What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
