my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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