We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
